"In order to know the light, we must first experience the darkness."

- C. G. Jung

Each person has a story to tell. This is mine.

 

Imagine, if you will, a childhood filled with parents' volatile marriage, sexual abuse, parental neglect, a father with alcohol addiction and a mother with narcissism-co-dependency issues and a martyr complex. Developmentally speaking, this is a cocktail recipe for physical, emotional, mental, social, and spiritual issues. It compromises the body's ability to grow appropriately. The brain and mind are unable to comprehend what is going on, leading to what we shall call, a cross-wiring. Belief systems that are false are formed. Narratives that take years to unlearn are learnt.

 

But how did it all take place? Let's dive in, shall we?

 

Much of my childhood was spent with my maternal grandparents and aunts. My parents separated when I was about 3yrs old and re-established contact only when I was around 10. From thereon, theirs was an on-again-off-again relationship. Everyone in my maternal family was either a working professional or a student and therefore I would be sent to a close family friend for baby-sitting. This is where my sexual abuse began and it continued on till I was 8 or 9yrs old. It was like an after school special. I knew what would happen every day after I reached their house. My mind and body would try to prepare me for what was to come. But there really is no way of preparing for something like this, let alone with the resources of a 3yr old. I would get overwhelmed and anxious. I was jittery. I acted out in sexually inappropriate ways with other children my age. I knew what was happening to me was somehow wrong, but I did not know how to verbalise it to anyone. Given that the person who was abusing me was part of my extended family, made matters more complicated. I believed I was supposed to keep quiet about it and keep the peace, protect familial relationships. A strategy I learnt when my parents would fight.

 

I now know that I tried to inform different family members (not my parents) about what was going on but having no vocabulary for it meant that I couldn't really explain it to anyone. There was also limited information at the time around sexual abuse for the adults in my life to catch onto what was happening with me.

 

When you are that young, you don't really comprehend the magnitude of what is being done to you or around you. You do however, incorporate it into your belief system and it becomes a part of your narrative. A child who experiences trauma makes it mean that something is wrong with them. I was no different.

 

I made it mean that I was at fault, that there was something wrong with me. Like many other sexual abuse survivors, I came to believe that since I had not spoken up, it meant I asked for it, I deserved it. Given that my parents were mostly absent, I came to believe that I was not good enough, I was not worthy enough, I am unlovable. My internal dialogue would sound something like - "My parents aren't there with me. That means I am not good enough. If I was, they would have stayed with me. Something is wrong with me or this would not have happened. I am always at fault. Other people know more and are smarter about life than I am because I see them functioning well in life."

 

When my parents decided to live together again, our lives were impacted by my father's alcoholism, which had always been a problem, but had worsened in the years we lived apart. Our lives were also made complicated by my mother's co-dependency, guilt and shame inducing tactics. Both these things aggravated my parents' already conflict-ridden marriage. I was the referee between them. This meant I learnt to keep the peace NO MATTER WHAT. It became important that I help my father through his drunkenness and manoeuvre in ways that kept my mom happy. An unhappy father would lead to more drunkenness and an unhappy mother would lead to more fights, stonewalling, guilt, shame and different expressions of martyrdom. My single most focus in life was to keep them in a state of balance, peace or whatever their definition of happy was.

 

This meant that I learnt to do everything based on how to keep the other person happy. My sense of self was demolished. My sense of self never got a chance to be formed in the first place. I learnt to morph into whatever was needed of me in that specific moment. I became an expert at anticipating it and providing it even before it was asked of me. All that mattered was that the peace was maintained and that there was no conflict.

 

This resulted in my becoming a classic people-pleasing, co-dependent person. It took me many years to make the connection between my childhood experiences and my life experiences as an adult.

 

I, who didn't have a sense of self, managed to attract and marry someone who defined it for me. It was easy to morph into what my partner needed, what I thought the relationship needed. When you don't have an identity, and the opposite person shows you this picture of "what you could be" it feels like a dream come true. It feels like, "they see me". It is intoxicating to say the least. To be needed, to feel a sense of belonging is almost like a drug. And you will do anything in your power to keep it going.

 

I brought in my belief systems of being invisible, feeling like I am not good enough or worth it, into my marriage. My partner, along with his parents brought in patriarchy and conservative views into the marriage. In hindsight, we filled in spaces for each other that the we couldn't fill for ourselves. However, I could only tolerate so much gaslighting and oppression before I became clinical depressed to the point of being suicidal.

 

Let me share that being clinically depressed and suicidal in a family that dismisses mental health as, "it's all in your head" or "if you just tried hard enough..." is not the greatest road to recovery. It takes you deeper into a hole. It feels like an endless abyss from which you can never climb out of. It makes you feel so alone that it is almost like you are the only survivor on a planet that has been annihilated, (by the way) by you. The guilt, shame, hopelessness, helplessness, frustration, isolation and so much more is almost unparalleled.

 

However, I managed to receive the right help. I was lucky enough to have a network of professionals I could turn to. I was lucky enough to have a great support system of friends and family. But, when my partner found out that I was suicidal, he got the exit strategy he had been waiting for. The marriage was already on shaky ground and now he had to care for someone who was suicidal?! He threw in the towel faster than I could reach for one!

  

I remember reaching my therapist's clinic and thinking, "This is it. If this doesn't work, I am done with life. I cannot keep doing this and going through life like this, dealing with one thing after another. It never seems to end." Luckily for me, my therapist was a clinical hypnotherapist and an energy healer and so worked very very intensely with my belief systems, the narratives I had created for myself, somatic memories, past life implications and energy work. In the therapeutic setting, we did some intense inner child work, arts-based therapy and reiki as well.

 

The insight of how all of my childhood, developmental trauma has affected my adult life has been life-changing. The intensity of the damage and the price I pay for it almost on a daily basis has shaped how I move through my life now. I have a sense of self. This sense of self is within and outside of all of my experiences.

 

I tell my story not to gloat about it. It is an everyday process that I manoeuvre on the daily. I tell it because I believe a few things. One, that you should know your therapist and I am non-traditional in that sense! I believe that both you and I can create a collaborative space for healing. Something as personal as therapy cannot be carried out in an impersonal manner. So, I share to give you some context of who you are seeking therapy from. Two, my journey led me to learn some non-traditional therapeutic modalities. I am not just a psychotherapist; I am also a clinical hypnotherapist, a reiki healer, and a shamanism practitioner. My experiences are unique to me, just like your experiences are unique to you. Therapy is not a one size fits all pair of socks. Just talk therapy certainly did not work for me. So, I hope to work in a way that helps you most efficiently.

 

I hope that somewhere on this website is the catalyst you need to move through and heal your unique pain. I would be honoured if my story and I are able to be that for you.