Every year I remember you even more deeply on this day. Every year I wonder what am I grieving exactly? The relationship we shared was non-existent at best, tumultuous at worst. Maybe, I grieve the notion of losing my father. Who really knows? I surely don’t.
I try and remember the good times. And with every good time, there is an aftermath that I am acutely aware of. Oh, you took me to the mall to shop. What followed was dinner at a restaurant where you got drunk and we drove home with me wondering if we will get in an accident or get caught by the cops. Oh, you played with me in the park. What followed was you saying goodbye to go hang out with your friends instead of coming back home with me and then coming home drunk and us trying to ensure you are in bed and not passed out in the bathroom. Oh, you surprised us with tickets to Cyprus. What followed was a few drunken nights where we were scared we would get into trouble with the authorities… in a foreign country. I struggle to find a memory that doesn’t have a chaotic aftermath.
So what exactly am I grieving? Maybe, I am grieving what could have been. Maybe, I am grieving everything that did happen between us. Maybe, I am grieving that I only have tiny, little, minuscule moments of happiness, hope, unfiltered joy to hold onto when it comes to you, to us. I am grieving that these minuscule moments are meant to take me through life. My grief carries the fear and dread that that is not enough. And instead of filling me up, these moments leave me feeling like a shell. What am I supposed to do with this shell?
They say we love our parents unconditionally. And nothing is clearer to me than that on this day. It’s like a flash of lightening that hits me, every single time. I love you even though. That’s all there is to it. I love you even though and I will never stop loving you. I will love you with all of my pain, joy, hope, anger, happiness, fear, dread, chaos. And I wonder, if that will shake something up in this shell.
We shall see. Time will tell.
Yours forever,
Maitro
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