Dear Baba,
Today, after many years, I’m wishing you, out loud. Happy birthday. I hope you have the best time. Do you know, I think of you every day? In the past few months, even more so.
I wonder, would you be happy to see where I’ve ended up? Would you be proud? Or would it break your heart? Would we drown our sorrows with a few drinks? Or would you just hug me and tell me, “होणार सगळ ठीक” (Everything will be ok)? Or actually, would you just yell and tell me to get over it already and that he is not even worth it?! I like to think you would say all of it.
Nowadays, a lot of things that you tried telling me keep coming back to me. “Always remember Maitro, you’re alone in this world.” ” सगळ करुन सगळ करायच ” (loosely translated – you have to try everything and still do everything, including your responsibilities). “Humanity is your religion. I will not explain beyond this.” “काहीतरी करून दाखवायच” (loosely translated – you have to make something of yourself).
And a lot of things seem to have disappeared into the abyss of my memory. I seem to have blocked out most of it because it was too taxing to take it in at the time. Somehow, today, I wish I could remember more. I need to remember more right now. I need some of those life lessons that you tried sharing; the ones I was too self-absorbed to take in; the ones that were shared during some (many) drunken moments; the ones that could be my anchor right now.
I will always remember that one time you were helping me with my homework, when I was in my Senior Kg, and I couldn’t decide whether a word would fit on that particular line and I asked you if it would. You replied saying it’s my decision and judgement to make. In hindsight, I think you were trying to tell me something important. I think you were trying to get me to trust myself more, think independently and not rely on anyone. At least that is what I have taken from that one incident. But obviously, at that time, I was just plain frustrated with you. Why couldn’t you just give me the damned answer?! I think I know now. Because life doesn’t work that way. Things aren’t just handed out to you. You have to work for them and even after you have them, you have to work to keep them. The simplicity of it stuns me.
There are so many of these experiences and these lessons. Hopefully, one day, I’ll be able to remember them, without the pain and the regret.
But for now, Baba, I’d like to know, would you be proud of me? Send me a sign from wherever you are…
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